They Could Have Gotten Away So Many Times!!! A Review of The Hitcher (2007)

Released by Rogue Pictures (Now Universal Pictures)

Release Date: January 19th, 2007

Starring: Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton 

Written by Eric Red, Jake Wade Wall, and Eric Bernt

Directed by Dave Meyer

Rated R (strong bloody violence, terror and language)

I have never seen the original Hitcher from 1986. I have wanted to for some time but have never gotten around to it. I do remember the Roger Ebert review where he gave the film “zero stars” and called the film “diseased and corrupt”. He always had a way with words and I tried to find ways to see the films that he gave the elusive “zero stars” to.

So I went in fresh to this remake. I don’t have anything against remakes and nothing against horror films so I felt safe watching this film. I thought that the trailers for the film looked like it was going to be a nice little film that didn’t cost too much to make and thus allowed the filmmakers to make a film that was throw away entertainment at worst. Boy was I wrong.

The film starts out with a couple going to a spring break shindig somewhere. I didn’t bother to listen to where they were going because I didn’t care. During a rainstorm, at night, the guy almost hits a man standing in the middle of the street. The couple decides that they are not going to help him and drive away.

The couple then stops at a gas station and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy the couple almost hits shows up at the gas station. The guy asks for a ride and they agree even though they wouldn’t stop for him. This doesn’t make any sense outside of the old “the plot needs to move” cliché.

Once out on the road, the man tries to kill the couple, but they push him out of the car and drive away. I know that this is supposed to come as a surprise but come on.

I want to stop right now and really end the review, but I really can’t.

As horror fans know, we have to put up with a lot of shit. We get shit from people who think that horror is some kind of things only freaks watch. We get shit from other horror fans who think that you have to watch the most disturbing shit out there in order to call yourself a true horror fan. We also get shit from mainstream film reviewers who think that horror films are a blight on society and need to be stopped.

All of this people don’t really piss me off that much. Sure, I get the normal shit anywhere I go, but I have learned to live with it. The shit that really pisses me off is a film like this trying to pass itself off as a real horror film when it does nothing to give me that impression. Yeah, there is blood and plenty of jump scares, but the film seems to be on autopilot when it comes to the actual horror aspect. The old “throw a jump scare in every ten minutes” type of thing.

This film is not scary nor is it any good. I watch all different types of horror films and have to suffer through the shitty ones just like any other horror fan does, but a film like The Hitcher should not have to be suffered upon any person, save for the worst people on the planet.

The acting in the film is subpar with the male lead (the guy from Happy Endings) bringing the least he can to his character. He is beyond bland and I wish that he would shave off that fuckin’ van dyke. He looks like he wants to go smoke a doobie in the park before mellowing out to some Tory Amos.

The girl lead is a bit better, but she doesn’t really have anything to do outside of the normal horror female clichés. Moving on…

Sean Bean as the Hitcher is the only actor who comes out of this film with a bit of dignity. He is playing a villain so he is afforded much more leeway than any of the other actors. Bean does what he can with the shit script that was given to him.

The film was directed by Dave Meyers who works mostly in music videos. I remember his name coming up a lot in the late 90’s on a lot of the music videos that I watched. Here he brings nothing to the table. The film looks, feels, and acts like a film that was spit out of a machine. Most of the music video directors who have tried their hand at feature film making (David Fincher, Michel Gondry, hell even Hype Williams) brought a look or a feeling to their films that was distinctly their own. Meyers brings nothing. His film looks like countless other films.

There is a chase that happens about two thirds of the way through the film where the couple steals a police car in order to get away from the police and the hitcher. While the couple are talking to the police on the radio, the Hitcher shows up in a black trans am (or something like that. I don't know cars.) and kills all of the police officers following the couple. There is really nothing wrong with this scene. We have seen the hitcher take out an entire police station full of cops, single handedly, so why not? No. The biggest thing wrong with this scene is the fact that the filmmakers decided to put the Nine Inch Nails song "Closer" over the scene. The scene is not edited to the song either. It just plays over the scene. Next time you go out, play this song and watch the local traffic go about their day. you will notice that the song doesn't fit that either. I know why the filmmakers put that song into the film but they could have at least done some editing so that the song kind of fits. 

I hated The Hitcher. I wanted to turn the film off on many occasions, but I trudged through and was I ever sorry that I did. Sure, I got a crappy review (the film is crappy, not what I am saying about it) and I am sure that someone will read this and they will either watch the film because I hated or avoid it for the same reasons. This is truly a terrible film. Stay away, stay far away.

Like Roger Ebert did with the original film, I am giving this film zero stars. There is nothing good about this film, well maybe the end as in its over, and the film was made with no talent in mind outside of Sean Bean. God, I hate this film.